Where Did May and My Faith Take Me?

First of all, I want to apologize to my friends/readers who have been left hanging here at our online rendezvous. To those who noticed, yes, I took a brief hiatus from blogging and I failed giving you things to get excited about for over a month. I am regrettably sorry.

May has been a very trying month for me. My mom suffered from a mild stroke and being an only child that I am and unmarried, I solely took the responsibility of bringing her to the hospital the night she asked me to. It was after my class when she knocked at my door, which she rarely did. "Pakidala mo ako sa hospital, please" (please take me to the hospital) and there she was, dressed up and carrying her hospital bag. I kept calm and I silently uttered, "Please, God." I was not prepared for that scenario but I had to be strong just like I have always been. 

I have two valid reasons why I am strong. First, being strong is a part of my personality. Vulnerable outside but steel on the inside. Second, I had no choice but to be one. At the emergency, the doctor asked her if she's dizzy and she consistently replied, "no". Vertigo was the initial findings because the symptoms at that time didn't match with the usual stroke manifestation. But to my dismay, she had to get admitted for close monitoring. When the doctor asked me for my consent, I nodded without batting an eye. 

I didn't know how I managed to have a clear mind while listening to the doctor's instructions and had a flashback at the same time of my father's same situation five years ago. I didn't know how I was able to be in control while my system wanted to crash. I didn't know that it was possible to be simultaneously swallowed alive by both optimism and pessimism . I really didn't know until that moment. I was really scared but I knew I should not be. I didn't even have the right to feel scared and it seemed that all my rights have been taken away from me. With just a thousand pesos in my hand, I blindly accepted our fate to be in a place where financially unfit people should not rather be. Again, I wanted to save my mother's life so I had no choice but to get rid of worries and anxieties. Instead, I had to go with the uncertain flow. I don't usually go by the Filipino-phrase bahala na because it has been interpreted by some as a fatalist remark similar to que sera sera. but I had to let go of everything. I had to lift it all up to Him. Mind you, I usually seek solutions first before I surrender but that point has given me no choice but to cave in.

It was evident that we couldn't afford a suite for my mom so I initially opted to stay at the ward due to financial reasons but then again, I decided to transfer her to stroke unit to ensure and expedite her recovery. I didn't want to take chances and kill myself with guilt for the rest of my life. I just wanted the best for her because I didn't want to lose her to complications like how I lost my pop. 

I was tormented to see my mother in that condition. Memories from 2010 have vividly come to my senses and it was something that I was not prepared of going through. Not just yet. I admit I have a love-hate relationship with my mother but she has no idea there's nothing that I wouldn't do to sustain her existence and travel to Batanes together. Trust me, you wouldn't want to be in the situation where you had to battle with fatigue because you had to go back and forth to the pharmacy to buy her medicines. During the first two days, appetite was sent away by my system and sleepiness was as if not at all present. I had to make sure I fed her on time and nurses would then let her take tons of pills and the never-ending dextrose replacement. It was countless. There was this one time, just as I was about to doze off, nurses would ask me again to run and get expensive vials for her brain. That time, she already experienced slurred speech and her body was half-paralyzed. As much as I would want to ignore the swelling hospital bills, I just couldn't. But if you want someone to recover from a serious illness, you would. I mastered the art of playing blind in just a couple of dreadful days.

Honestly, there were several occasions during the whole experience that I broke down because I was mad at her. I was mad at her stubbornness and the inability to listen to my reminders. I would continually remind her long before this whole predicament to cut the amount of her rice intake and get rid of fatty meat cuts. She didn't take me seriously and that made me more furious. None of these would have happened in the first place if she just cared to listen (insert a deep sigh right here). 

It was after the entire unpleasant experience I realized how stronger I have become and how tiny of a deal everything seemed to me. I had so many reasons to give up but I chose to carry on. My everlasting faith played a vital role in keeping me sane and forced me to stand tall. In fact, I witnessed how He blessed me with people who didn't hesitate to help us and show us that we are loved and supported. I will always be grateful to the good Samaritans who never left us and prayed with/for us. I am only human who become susceptible to various kinds of pain but what's important is that I didn't let problems defeat me.

I haven't fully recovered from the debris of expenses amid the week-long hospitalization and this is not something new. My pain endurance is incredible that even myself was bewildered. I would no longer be here I guess if not for the divine grace and guidance. The important lesson in life I learned is that don't worship Him and worry about the problems that test your strength all at once. That is fake faith. If you believe in Him, believe in Him all the way and don't doubt Him not even once. Always ask for His guidance and hold on to what you believe in no matter how trying life gets sometimes. You are loved. I am loved. Everyone is.

P.S. I am definitely back.